Bismillah was solatu was salaam ‘ala Rosulillah.
The first time I heard about this concept was from Ustazah Halimah L. My best friend and I were studying the 40 Hadith of Imam an-Nawawi with her, when the topic of raising children came up. I forgot the question posed, but Ustazah’s answer was (au kama qol):
As parents, we should sow love towards us in our children with the intention of helping them grow into filial children. Not for narcissistic reasons, but only because it is Allah’s command for children to love, respect and care for their parents. When you raise your children to love you, this helps them to follow the command easily when they get older; it will become second nature to them. You’re helping them become better servants of Allah ﷾.
As an adult who struggles with being a filial child, what she said hit home; I now understood the feelings I felt when I see friends who are so easily able to love and care for their parents in their old age. I see how they are able to hold their father’s hands, to lie on their mother’s lap, to have healthy conversations and discussions with their parents as they make adult decisions. And how, for me, each interaction now is laced with some form of anxiety. All I remember is being rebuked for sharing my emotions – for so much as crying out of worry–, being literally pushed away when I tried to seek physical comfort, ignored when I craved attention and care, being slapped with sarcasm when I failed at things I was passionate about but they disagreed. I know, in my mind, that I am supposed to love and care for them now, but my nafs and body seem to run on auto-pilot, constantly reacting violently to an underlying stubborn strain of disappointment, anger and resentment. I catch myself being curt for no reason, or recoiling at the thought of having to spend long moments of time alone with them, or just being caught in a hamster wheel of bad commentary in my head. Of course, my soul does not let me forget that Allah commands us to be good children, and so each day, it torments me into a pit of self-loathing for each transgression I do.
I am learning (struggling) to accept that my parents and my childhood were what was written – chosen – for me by Allah, and His choice for His servants are always what is best for them. Perhaps my parents had their personal struggles that stopped them from loving me the way a child needs love. Perhaps their own parents were like that towards them and it is the only way of parenting they knew. And while perhaps all of these complications would have been done away with just care and attention in my early years, perhaps this struggle to become a filial child is my path to Him. I have failed thus far, but I want to start passing. For myself. May Allah grant us tawfeeq. Ameen.
But I digress. Back to the topic: Aiding in goodness through love.
A further example of this was given a few days ago by Shaykha F, as we went through the 40 Hadiths on Marriage that she compiled. Shaykha was sharing how her grandmother, despite having to raise more than ten children, would never fail to dress herself up for her grandfather before he reached home from work; he would never see (or smell) her in an unkempt state brought about by managing the household. She would love him in a way so beautiful that when her grandfather was asked to stay even five minutes longer at work, he would object, because to him that five minutes of lost time with his wife was the loss of a world.
And so Shaykha took all that she learned about marriage from her grandmother and things she saw in her parents’ marriage that needed to be changed, and set out to be the best wife she could be for her husband. She spoke about sprucing herself up for him, about greeting him with drinks, foot massages or facial spas when he came home from work, about letting herself be scolded if it meant improving things between her husband and his mother. She spoke about not putting physical barriers between her and her husband, about the importance of child-like play, about constantly communicating her love for him, to him. She spoke about caring for him when he was acting out of extreme stress, about believing in him when things were dire, about upgrading herself to match the intellectual conversations her husband loves to have.
And then she said (au kama qol):
And all of these become a form of ibadah, not just because we’re serving our husband as per Allah’s command for us wives, but because we’re helping him to love us so much that he does not even think about transgressing Allah’s laws. When he is satisfied and content with all the love and care he finds at home, his desires and nafs would not push him to seek it elsewhere, in things that fall into the wrath of Allah. And all of this love he has for you, in turn, would also help him fulfil his responsibilities as a husband and as a father. His work becomes his pride and joy.
With Ustazah Halimah sitting literally in front of me when Shaykha spoke those words, I found it beautiful that it circled back to what Ustazah said those months ago: that we do all of this not selfishly for ourselves because we want to be loved, but to help the person we love to love us, so that it makes it easier for them to become servants of Allah.
As it is within the family unit, so it is multiplied in the greater society. When we are act in good faith with good character, we make it easier for everyone around us to like us, which in turn instinctively makes them mirror this good faith and good character. And we do so not because we want people to love us, but to make it easier for everyone to be good servants of Allah ﷾.
SubhanAllah. May Allah ﷾ give us the gifts of Mercy, Compassion and Gratitude, and the tawfeeq to practice what we have learned. May He place Love in our hearts and in our homes, and may He grant us spouses that aid one another in His path. Ameen.
P/s. Attending the 40 Hadith on Marriage dowra has truly been a cathartic experience. In a world where I constantly face and hear about marriages that are less than ideal or falling apart, Shaykha’s stories about families on the manhaj of Rasulullah ﷺ and her personal anecdotes made me believe in the family unit again. I found myself tearing up both for the love I did not receive and the love I saw was possible, and it somehow healed something within. I don’t know if it is written for me to have my own family some day, but if I do, I now know my intentions for it. May Allah ﷾ grant us all the openings we need, fi kheyr wa lutf wa afiah. Ameen.