A good friend of mine was going through a rough patch in her life a couple of weeks ago. We were having a conversation about it when I grew increasingly frustrated. “Why do you let them affect you so much?” I asked, my tone of voice on the rise, “Just give them 70 excuses. You know you are better than them so just be the bigger person maybe?”
She went quiet shortly after. We sat in silence.
“You don’t listen.” She said softly.
“What do you mean? Am I not the only one asking you every day how you are?”
“No. You’re here, yes, but you’re not listening. And whatever it is you are doing is actually making things worse for me. So I’d rather not talk to you about whatever it is i’m going through, which you obviously feel is trivial.”
It was my turn to be silent. This was the same good friend who stuck by me and listened to my long rants for the two years I was going through depression. I thought I was returning the favour, but it seemed – like many other things – I was wrong.
I picked up a book later that night – literally titled “How to Listen” by Katie Colombus – and right out of the bat I knew I got lots of work to do:
Casting aside your own beliefs and ingrained knowledge in order to be open enough to listen and accept another’s perspective – especially when it conflicts with your own – takes grace, awareness and acceptance.
Katie Colombus
Then as the book went through, chapter by chapter, on what it means to listen, I realised that I was ticking off all the wrong boxes. I was listening with the intent of correcting, of providing a solution, of wanting her to get over it so she can be her normal self once again. I run away from silence, and when I can’t, I become confrontational, and I show impatience when she is unable to see how I felt she was bigger than what she is making herself out to be. ie. I form judgements before listening, and while I let her know I was the jury in her personal case, I was also the lawyer defending the other party.
How could she not feel attacked by someone who was supposed to be on her side?
(And I realised this was how my parents were to me. And I was becoming them in their way of communication… which was a terrible revelation to have.)
When I finished the book a couple of days later, my mind shifted and I realise I now could understand why my friend accused me of not listening. The Chief Bookseller once said that reading is a form of radical listening because you allow the author to present their argument, and while you might not agree with his/her views, you just continue to listen right till the end. I wish I could be as a good a listener to others just as I am with the written text.
Next in the reading list: When Hearing Becomes Listening, by Ustadh Mikaeel Ahmed Smith.