I currently live life in circles, riding aimlessly on waves of high peaks and low valleys, constantly moving but never getting anywhere. I do it with my (failing) habits, I do it with my (non-committal) passions, I do it with the way I view (or refuse to see) myself. I feel like this home traps me into a certain way of thought, a certain way of non-being, and it is only when I step out that I am able to unclip my wings and soar. But day by day this sense of failure becomes a part of me, a part of my identity, that I am doubting if this situation is environment related or just a… character deficit. I am constantly listless, always dull, permanently carrying a hole in my heart. I surround myself with books that desperately shout the answers to me – Wisdom of a Master! Agenda to Change Our Condition! Purify your Heart! Patience and Thankfulness! Discipline your Soul! – and everyday I can only muster the courage to look at their spines; just looking, never reading. I can’t even bring myself to open another for fear of damning myself as a hypocrite once again. A spineless fool in a sea of spines.
The answer always seems simple – do. Just do it, as Nike says, do it and victory is yours. But why can’t I do? All I seem to be capable of doing is not doing; the many days staring at Netflix, Youtube, Instagram and Reddit, scrolling and clicking desperately, refreshing constantly, literally torturing myself into watching hours upon hours of shitty content just to numb this emptiness that has swallowed me alive.
I want to read the Qur’an and Dalail Khayrat. I want to cycle to parks. I want to walk about taking photos during the golden hours. I want to read a book under the blue sky. I want to write my next inspiring novel. I want so many things but just getting out of bed is a struggle and tiring. The pull is just too damn strong, and so I give in – or rather, give up – to the heavy weight of the blanket and my hungry soul in despair, able only to move my fingers yet again. Constantly moving, but never getting anywhere. Circles everywhere.