Falling off the Bandwagon

In what is somewhat expected now, I fell off the bandwagon. Again. For the millionth time. Somewhere in between going for ruqyah and a lapse in judgement, the nafs ammarah bissu’ part of me took over. I hated myself. I despaired. I gave up. I let go.

But here I am, dusting off these knobbly knees for the millionth time. Trying again. I may fail ya Allah. Again, and again, and again. But thank You for always being Merciful enough to just let me try.

Yet again.

A circular motion is better than downward motion? Yes? Alhamdulillah.

In one of our late night chit-chats by the television after work last week, mom made me take note of a du’a from Surah al-Ahqaf to recite when one reaches the age of forty:

{And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period] is thirty months. [He grows] until, when he reaches maturity and reaches [the age of] forty years, he says, “My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed I am of the Muslims”}

Am turning 37 in ten days and I guess that du’a really just hits the right spot in putting things in perspective. I just got to be grateful. For my parents. For the uncountable generous and kind people He sent my way. For the many amazing journeys He has sent me on. For the righteous work He allowed me to do. So, so, many. How can I deny those blessings?

EPIPHANY: Wow I just realized that I have been denying these blessings by being so focused on the crappy person I am now! Whatever I am at this point of time in life does not negate all that was in the past. The past was written, done, sealed, delivered (and accepted, inshaAllah). Alhamdulillah.

I need to focus on being grateful. And on accepting the fact that I’ll stumble through life no matter what, so to just continuously make tawbah for all of these bandwagons I keep falling out of and climbing back on. Maybe this acceptance of my failures will make me happier on this journey that has an end, regardless of my hopes and expectations.

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In other news: I completed reading Spiritual Significance in Islamic Architecture by Dr Mostafa al-Badawi and I loved it. I too completed The Invisible Doctrine by by George Monbiot and Peter Hutchison. And am currently reading Byun Chul Han’s The Disappearance of Rituals: A Topology of the Present as well as Careless People: A Cautionary Tale of Power, Greed, and Lost Idealism, a memoir by Sarah Wynn-Williams.

I’ve also realised that the root of most of my problems is actually the handphone, which I willingly carry around. A slave happy to be a slave. I stopped using Brick for a bit because I keep forgetting to Unbrick when I head of to work. But not using it the past month made me realise I got super sick. I’ve emailed the team for a Brick reset, and am now back on it.