If a decade ago I knew nothing and yet felt the drive to struggle and change, and today I know so much more but struggle to find the drive to change, what went wrong along the way?
All of a sudden I find myself precariously balancing on the edge of another abyss as I find these words nudging me closer and closer to the freefall: ungrateful, lack of adab, full of pride and ego, arrogant, sinner. Terrible daughter, terrible student, terrible friend, terrible person.
Why do the first words I describe myself always seem to be negative ones? Why do I not see beauty in myself? Why do I allow myself to stand in the way of Allah?
(pause) and literally just as I writing the above, a Qur’an was gifted to me – “untuk wanita solehah.”
Ya Allah please make me better than what the people think of me, please make me better than what I think of myself, please make me think better of myself, please place in my head the best thoughts of You and in my heart, the utmost love for You :”(
